Abby's First 5K

Thanks to our new little alarm clock named Abigail, we woke up at 0500 and nursed (so I could successfully get a sports bra on) and made it to the muster location at 0630. Roughly 30 members of the 354th Fighter Squadron and their spouses and kids were there. Here are the "before" pics of us:

The run course was mostly around the static displays of almost every historic jet in US military and civilian history, but the surface was mostly dirt...and apparently dirt that had quite a few cactus thorns in it. We successfully ran the 3.1 miles, but as we crossed the finish line we noticed two flat tires on the babyjogger. Whew! No wonder our time was a little slower than it should've been. I wonder if we should get extra points for that. Speaking of which, our clever little squadron morale officer made a "Bulldog" formula that would help out those of us that may not be in the best physical shape...or as he put it being a "repulsive slob"! Here's the formula for calculating our "Bulldog" time. By the way, Foot (squadron commander), Frog, Freaq, Bunson, Gomer, and Sniper are the call-signs of several pilots in my squadron - can you believe they went to this much trouble to make things fair???

Every Runner's raw times will be converted into "Foot Time" by using this http://www.marathonguide.com/fitnesscalcs/ageequivalent.cfm calculator. For instance, if a Sara Reed runs a 25 minute 5k, her "Foot Time" would be 23:31. To clarify what "Foot Time" is: all scores will be adjusted to "40 year old male" equivalents.

Next, your "Foot Time" will be converted to "Frog Time" by dividing your Body Mass Index as calculated here http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/ by 25, then dividing your Foot Time (in minutes converted to decimal format) by the quotient. For instance, I would divide my calculated BMI of 26.9 by 25 resulting in a quotient of 1.076. My Foot Time of 25:00 becomes 25.00 minutes and would be divided by 1.076 giving me a "Frog Time" of 23.23 minutes. Yes, Bunsen, this can damage your score as well...

Your Frog Time will then be converted to "Freaq Time" by decreasing your Frog Time by 15 seconds (.25 minutes) for every alcoholic drink you consume past 1900 local time (12-hour rule), Friday, 19 Sep 08 up until race time. To receive time credit for your drinks, you will need a voucher of equivalent or better cognitive state. As an example, if Swinga had a Frog Time of 25.00 but consumed three wine coolers between 7 and 10 pm Friday night, his "Freaq Time" would be 24.25. For tabulation purposes 1 drink=1 beer=1 glass of wine=1 shot of liquor=1 Tilt=1 Zima. On second thought, let's make that until you FINISH the race. If you choose to slurp a couple bloody marys from a camelback during the race, you should get full credit for that...

Your Freaq Time will then be converted to "Sniper Time" by decreasing your Freaq Time by 10 seconds (.1666666 repeating, of course, minutes) for every cigarette you smoke past 1900 local time, Friday, 19 Sep 08 up until you finish the race. To receive time credit for your smokes, you will need a voucher of equivalent or better cognitive state. Example:If FNG Harris has a Freaq Time of 25.00, but fires down 5 Camel Lights Friday night, his "Sniper Time" will be 24.17. Cigars count for one cigarette, dip receives no credit.

To arrive at your ultimate "Bulldog Score", your Sniper Time can be reduced by what is known as the "Gomer/Pyle Factor." That is, if you soil yourself at any point from 15 minutes before the race until 15 minutes after crossing the finish line, your Sniper Time will be reduced by 6.9%. To qualify for the "Gomer/Pyle Factor," an occurrence of incontinence or involuntary regurgitation must be witnessed and attested to by a voucher of equivalent or better cognitive state. Let's say Vicki, as a random example, were to throw up in the car on the way home from the race, a mere ten minutes after crossing the finish line. Her Sniper Time of 25.00 would turn into an overall "Bulldog Score" of 23.28.

Pushing another human being in a stroller or wheelbarrow will reduce your time by 6.9% as well.

The individual posting the lowest overall Bulldog Score shall be declared grand champion and receive a prize package (sts) worth over $35.40. You'll notice that Bulldog "A" can have a far superior run time, but that Bulldog "B," by virtue of being a repulsive slob, can actually post a better overall Bulldog Score. Let this be a lesson to all you health freaks out there...

So, our Bulldog calculated time comes out to:

Anna and Thad (and Abby) actual time: 32:00

"Foot time" (40 year old male equivalent): Anna 29:11; Thad 33:56

"Frog time" (body mass index): Anna 29:18; Thad 34:46

"Freaq time" (alcoholic drinks consumed in past 12 hrs): Anna 28:03; Thad 33:31

"Sniper time" (smokes in past 12 hours): Anna 28:03; Thad 33:31

The "Gomer/Pyle factor" doesn't apply to either one of us...thankfully!

Pushing a human being in stroller: Anna -1.935; Thad -2.31

Bulldog time Anna: 26:07; Thad: 31:12


So "Bulldog" time doesn't quite put us at our personal best 5K!! I still think we should've received extra points for having two flat tires!!

Abby got her own finisher's medal!

Somebody sweated more than others!

Mom and Abby - one of us taking a nap, one of us needing a nap!

Post-race half-smile...she puts up with so much!

All and all, we had a great time! Hopefully this is just the first of many races for little Abby! Now time for a big nap and some college football...